Are we there yet??

Hi! Welcome to Hell! Where hell is commuting in this day and age on the highways and streets of America's cities. Whoever invented these things really needs to have their head examined to confirm what I already know. NO BRAINS! I ask you, how did we ever live without voice guided GPS navigation? Quite safely thank you! It's as if people have never driven outside their neighborhood. Everyday countless people embark on quests of madness not knowing where they're going. Now it's not because they haven't been there before or because they're lost. NO NO! It's because the brain dead masses feel they need to be told what they must do next. "In 300 ft turn left", the young woman's voice says as people blindly obey the instructions like some GARMIN or TOM TOM cult following. I say "WAKE UP!" before we plow right into a building because we took the next available left turn or worse yet, listen to the "make a u-turn" command. I remember a long long loooong time ago in the early nineties when we used to take pictures of the ground from the air and put these pictures on paper. We called them maps and they were very useful at telling you where to go. Of course you need to know how to read before using one but we use to get to where we were going with no problem. Not today though, today we have technology which "FREEs" us from our troubles. Funny! I remember a time when we Americans would consider being TOLD what to do an insult to our freedom. The whole idea of finally getting your license to drive was so you could escape, for a little while, the confines of being told what to do. Movement in YOUR vehicle was free. You could go where you wanted, see whom you wanted and not be told how to do it. WOW, have times changed! Now we free ourselves in our vehicles by being told, from a computer no less, where to go and what to do. "Are we there yet"? and the answer is yes if "THERE" is facing westbound in the eastbound lanes of the 210 freeway. I say, Where does THERE end???

Legal Crack

My girlfriend makes fun of me about this but I don't care. Yes! I'm a 32 year old man and I love Lucky Charms. This is General Mills' attempt at legal crack but here's the wrinkle in my little story. I think this cereal is better now then when you were a kid. When you were a kid you went straight for the Cap'n Crunch, Count Chocula, or dear god every parents nightmare Fruity Pebbles. But the Lucky Charms just didn't seem to make the cut. Well that's all over with apparently after your 25th birthday because now I freebase them like some crack addict in a back alley. Even more strange is, on the box, how the fun loving character "Lucky" teases you with some marshmallow infused Timothy Leary acid trip. He beckons you to "grab" his lucky charms and has added so many different marshmallows over the years that to resist is impossible. So you're basically left in a legal marshmallow induced sugar coma. What's so "Magically Delicious" about that?

Un appetizing!

As I was flipping through channels the other day and casually surfing the web I saw it. It was the most unentertaining show on tv. Of course reading my girlfriends Facebook page helped me to remember and it all came rushing back in horrid clarity. Go ahead, guess. Give up? It's Food Network's "What Would Brian Boitano Make"? and the answer is: WHO CARES! I mean what do ice skating and cooking have in common? UH...... Nothing! Why is this guy even on TV? Okay so he's a food enthusiast. So am I but you don't see me being beamed to your television set everyday at noon. Has Food Network lost their collective minds with this one? Are they trying to appeal to the gay and lesbian viewer? If so stop because I'm pretty sure gay and lesbian viewers hate bad TV as much as straight viewers do. It also can't be because of his outstanding culinary expertise because he doesn't MAKE anything special. It's just food! Rest assured if this show continues, I'm trying out for men's singles in figuring skating. Vancouver 2010 here I come!!

Exhaustion?

As I sat pondering one evening about how we humans work hard, I realized that as we age we find ourselves wishing we had the energy we did when we were younger. If an adult could just have a little boost every now and then of this youthful energy imagine what could be accomplished during our busy schedules. But we aren't children anymore and sadly lack the energy to barely make it through our days. Furthermore, as we age we also lose the ability to recharge our batteries and get good restorative sleep. Now imagine something that flies in that face of all that. Imagine something that seemingly isn't to terribly busy with work, is grown and has the ability to capture all that restorative sleep in so much that it ends up wasting it (knowingly) like a precious commodity. While it wastes this commodity, imagine something laughing at those who can't reclaim their youthful energy or the ability to recharge at will. Once you've cemented this picture firmly in your mind please ask yourself the following: What does that picture resemble???









THIS OF COURSE! Pisses me off.

Masters of the U-verse

Well, it's been a long time since I've wrote on my blog. I started to feel like a slacker when I realized it's been three years since I've posted anything. Never fear! So much has happened in my life it's kind of hard to know where to start. Whether it's being recently divorced, finding new love, or how fast my boys are growing, there are lots of good topics to write about. So I'm choosing to start with this: What is up with AT&T trying to conquer the universe?? I mean is this not the company that had a monopoly in the early eighties??? The government busted it up back then but that wasn't good enough. It's like a bad sequel to a horror movie: It's back with a vengence!! Now we are all connected with the iPhone (and it's apps) or "bundled" with AT&T's internet, cable (U-verse) and phone. Bundle of course being the new word for "scam". It just doesn't stop! Even AT&T's symbol (the world) or their slogan "More Bars in More Places" let's you know that no matter where you are or who you're talking to or whatever web site you're surfing, you're gonna owe them something. Truly the Master's of the U-verse have spoken. Hmm, now if I can just find my iPhone to text everybody about my blog. ;-)

Not a Postcard!

Yes, yes...... I know it's been awhile since I've updated but genius takes time. I had to really concentrate as I snapped this awesome photo of our city's annual Christmas tree. You see, I lack the ( I was born with it gift) of whatever crap you can think of. So when I do something that is remotely good I have to stand back and ask myself, "Jason, how did you not screw this up?" Some people just paint, play music or take photographs like it's nothing. They throw away stuff I would hang on my wall, collect in an album or listen to because they think it's not good. Those people (are stupid) & should be forced to teach community college classes on art for a semester so they could come to realize, in an artistic way, how really annoying they are when they whine about how they have no talent or inspiration. News flash!! Those of us who lack talent hate it when those who have talent try and act like us who have non. You're good, but we are better at being average so don't try and compete.

Work is Un-COOL!

It's official!! Work is un-cool! There I said it. Most of you are probably wondering why it took me so long to say something so simple. However, I had to study work and why we do it to realize work; like root canals, shopping at Wal-Mart on Saturdays or pulling a splinter out, is a necessary evil. We must work in order to keep ourselves, the lowly plebians of the world, sustained with the three basic needs. (Food, Clothing & Shelter). This is because life is not like "Fraggle Rock!" I think Jim Henson was on to something when he showed us, in the early eighties, how to "Dance Our Cares Away, Down at Fraggle Rock." Apparently in Fraggle Rock, all we need to worry about are the words to the next song while we don't work and steal food from those that have everything all the while staying warm and cozy down in our hole in the ground. I wish the next time my boss says do this or that I could just look him right in the eyes and start dancing & running away from the responsibility all while I was laughing (HA HA HA HA!!!!) and singing the theme song to "Fraggle Rock." Life would be a lot more fun if we didn't have to have money to get the things we needed and work was just helping people out when they needed it. But then again this ain't Fraggle Rock.

Repetitive Repetition

Some advertisements are good in nature almost endearing while others might be a little annoying but only one advertisement will make you want to kill those around you with wooden kitchen spoon before you take your own life so as not to join the cult of HEAD-ON. See for yourself. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_SwD7RveNE. Remember! Apply directly to the forehead. What the hell is this for?!? They say it's for headaches. Apparently, unlike aspirin, we must ward off the evil spirits of headache and migraine lest we fall into their grip of pain and suffering. So we must use this magic stick and "APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD!!" Before it's too late. If you forget what you must do then here....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_SwD7RveNE You will soon see the error of conventional medicine once you APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD. This commercial runs constantly on CNN and the Weather Channel which proves they are trying to convert the brain dead masses, by repetition of instructions, into some Head-On belief system where by one may believe problems will go away if they just rub some mysterious crap on it. APPLY DIRECTLY TO THE FOREHEAD or Perhaps they really do believe we just didn't quite catch how to use it. ONE MORE TIME...... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_SwD7RveNE

Bathroom Spirituality

I really hate the Pepto-Bismol commercial singing about nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach & diarrhea. It really makes me sick. Perhaps the commercial is designed to get you sick so you have to use the product?.....hmmmmm. I digress. These people on the commercial annoy me. Why? You ask. Because they're meant to be funny and I find nothing funny about the afore mentioned list. What's so damn funny about them? Anything bringing me pain is automatically UNFUNNY. Nothing is funny when I'm suddenly stricken with uncontrolled lower abdominal pain only to have my skin fill with white hot chills all the while praying in an unknown tongue to a toilet god who's been sent to punish me for what I may have eaten. WHY GOD?!? WHY?!? They always show these people dancing (not funny!) in an office or similar setting where a toilet is usually close by. This is not what really happens when you have one or all of these symptoms. If you're like me you're usually driving far from anything or perhaps in a public place (such as a park) where there are no facilities. When this happens the last thing I'm doing is dancing so as not to provoke the toilet gods and bring condemnation upon my clothing and anyone around me. Never fear! Just drink the pink vomit in a bottle and all will be well and your poop will be banished to blackness in toilet god hell.

Blue with Envy?

Have you ever noticed how some things are exactly not what they're presumed to be? It's as if they're identified or recognized by their ability to mislead. Not openly of course, but some everyday things, if pondered, lead one to say "Now, that just doesn't make sense!" Driveways are a good place to start. We, in fact, park (not drive) on our little pieces of pavement in front of our houses. Yet we call them driveways. Advertising is also to blame when it comes to identifying products. The whole idea of advertising is to make you think you need a product or service by presenting it as something else. Cars, for instance, aren't automobiles intended to transport us from point A to point B. They are, from an advertising standpoint, non physical experiences that we must "feel" to believe. My favorite are maxi pad and or diaper commercials in which we, the idiot consumers, are shown how absorbent these items are with a mysterious BLUE liquid. Yes. That's right folks. These ad campaigns are accurate. We must believe that women everywhere, once a month, turn into Klingons and desperately need the absorbing power to trap this strange blue liquid. I'm reminded of how something so simple can become so stupid when put in an advertising light. Just the other day my wife told me how she consulted her grandmother on this issue. Her grandmother told her when she was a young woman pads came with a belt that women wore all day long. In fact, she said the pads were so absorbent she often farted in crowded places (like her son's ball games) and no one was the wiser. I'd believe that before I'd believe a sales pitch. Just make the damn products and we the consumers will decide what's best.

Wired

Sorry I've not posted in a while but I've been too busy coming down off of my self inflected guarana extract high. What's a guarana extract high you say? Well, I wish I knew because I could of done without the unexpected methamphetamine buzz Coke decided I needed to help "PERK" me up. All I know is guarana extract is something Coca-Cola has put in their new "energy" drink Full Throttle. Apparently, guarana has twice the caffeine as opposed to good old regular caffeine we used to get from coffee, tea, or soda. Coke says, "That's not good enough! We want you to feel energized so as not to feel pain when you happen to accidentally shut your hand in a door or crush a testicle or wonder why strangers are looking at you, a little frightened, when you can't stop talking to them." This all started when I decided to take a can of this stuff from our ice chest at work as our shift was ending and drink it. The shift may of ended, but I was far from being done after the guarana extract kicked in. Even after peeing green for three hours, an effect brought on by the vitamin-B from this container of health and energy, I was still raring to go. If Coke set out to sell legal narcotics to unsuspecting people, they have indeed succeeded. Crack dealers beware!

The Jedi Team

Who says make believe isn't real? Here's proof that it is! My two boys Jacob and Andrew are not only brothers but best friends. As best friends they also help save the galaxy as "Fleeful & Ned". As you can plainly see from the evidence, Fleeful & Ned are part of a galaxy freeing "Jedi Team." They fight evil by apparently waving gigantic light sabers about while Ned, who is barely the size of Shaak Ti's head and shaped like a jelly bean, flails about causing evil to flee for it's life. As Fleeful uses the force, Shaak Ti appears to be auditioning for the next Mrs. Butterworth spot. Meanwhile, the famed jedi knight, Kit Fisto attempts to cut of his right leg in violent opposition to Skaak Ti breaking up the team through her commercial endeavors. Can she be persuaded to stop?!? Tune in next time for the "Jedi Team!!".... If only we adults could be so real.

Brain Hemorrhage

Why can't some things just stay the same? Why, after so many years, do people or companies decided to suddenly change things supposedly improving them? As best as I can tell, my wife loves me. However, when making me a sandwich; with ham, cheese and mustard, she often questions how much she loves me. Don't get me wrong it's not because she doesn't want to make me a sandwich, the reason is because she risks life and limb to do so thanks to the company French's. The great American mustard company, in order to "improve" their product, switched from glass jars to plastic bottles. However, when they tried to "improve" their already great plastic bottle, they inadvertently threatened my wife's life who nearly hemorrhages in the brain trying to squeeze just the right amount of mustard on my sandwich. While in pain, she realizes it's too late and the bottle has let go in a diarrhetic fit flowing mustard not only on my sandwich but also on the counter in case I might want seconds.......Thanks French's!! How d'ya know I'd want seconds?

Launder with Care

Every so often in history mankind has a breakthrough in inventing. Be it the wheel, internal combustion engine, or the computer, we seem to always press forward in our achievements. However, there are other times when "inventors" miss the mark, so to speak, with their creations. I, being of sound mind, believe this is what happened to the idiot or idiots that created thong underwear. Even the name THONG conjures up images of worn sandals or perhaps a sport we're not familiar with. "Come on Tim what do ya say to a game of "Thong" before we go in for supper?" Nowadays, we're supposed to interpret the word and garment for that matter in a sexual way. I see no comparison here. Aside from the obvious, are we supposed to think undergarments that barley cover the "under"; all the while soiling themselves in cracks and crevices of the human body with their anus rope strung from top to bottom like dental floss, are sexy? To ask that question is to answer it leaving someone else to do the laundry.

Someone Else's Genius

Just seeing if this "awesome technological device" works right. You would totally think it wouldn't be hard to post a thought. But alas it is I, the one who turns seemingly easy everyday tasks into quests of extreme difficulty leaving the regular person to ask, "Is he for real!?" Anyway, I thought this picture was pretty cool because #1: I know the person who took it and #2: I was jealous that I didn't take it forcing me to accept someone else's genius. I hate when that happens!!